Mysophobia II: The Return of Hal

You may remember my friend Hal that I told you about in a post called “Mysophobia” . If you’re not sure what I am referring to, go back and read the aforementioned post and you will feel the full force of what I am about to relate.

Hal and I have known each other for about three and a half years now and we have maybe shaken hands about twice. This is because he insists on giving me “dap”. Now dap can take many forms but it usually involves some kind of slapping or tapping of the fist or palm. In Hal’s case he always makes a fist and extends it toward me (much like a slow motion punch) and I am expected to do the same so that the fronts of our fists make contact then we each retract our fist. This is his usual daily routine when he sees me for the first time on a given day.

Call me old-fashioned but sometimes I prefer the good ol’ right hand of Christian fellowship. But even when I have offered my hand in handshake fashion, Hal will extend his fist thus bypassing the handshake and initiating dap. He finally caught me on a morning when I was feeling particularly saucy. So after our usual dap ritual, I said “I notice you never shake hands with anyone.”

Hal: Yeah, that’s because I just *extends fist*

Josh: Yeah, I know but do you do that to people at church too?

Hal: To most of them.

Josh: But what about just a good ol’ handshake?

Hal: Well…some people just don’t, ya know.

Josh: …

Hal: Well this way *extends fist* the germs only get on my knuckles. That way if later I *touches face with palm* then I don’t have to worry about anything.

Josh: So you do it to avoid germs?

Hal: Look! Some people just don’t clean their hands good. You wouldn’t believe the people in this building (i.e. at our place of employment) who use the bathroom and walk out without washing their hands!

Josh: But you know I do. You’ve seen me. We’ve talked about it.

Hal: I don’t know. I just try to be careful. Anyway, I’m gonna let you get back to work. I’ve got some stuff to do. Hope you have a great day.

Josh: You too, Hal. *extends hand for handshake*

Hal: *extends fist*

Josh H.


3 Responses to “Mysophobia II: The Return of Hal”

  1. 1 kev
    August 15, 2007 at 4:34 pm

    This made me actually laugh out loud. (Notice how I did not write “LOL.” I’m trying to keep my street cred.)

    I could really have some fun with this. Try this: Play Hal’s *extends fist* game, but make your knuckles noticeably dirty. Put ketchup or something on them. Then let the comedy hijinks ensue.

  2. August 15, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    In fact each day I could make them dirty in some new repulsive way. After the ketchup I think I’ll try putting kitty litter on my knuckles (probably still work if it’s clean litter). Eventually I’ll get around to having clean knuckles and then right before extending my fist to touch his I’ll lick my knuckles.

    Say, thanks for the tips, Kev.

  3. 3 Ray
    August 15, 2007 at 11:07 pm

    Kev, Josh, what awesomely cruel things to try on a germaphobe. I like your style! 🙂 The kitty litter on top of the ketchup is a particularly disgusting and hilarious addition. “Eventually I’ll get around to having clean knuckles…” Because it’s so cool to leave ketchup and kitty litter on your knuckles for extended periods of time! Let me know if you get any funny looks.

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