The Night Before Christmas – Educated Version

Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
yuletide celebration. And throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as mus musclus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an eminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations or repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about
to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous
exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alactrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Fastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as
it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to
rival that of the solar merdidan itself; thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by
eight diminutive specimens of the genus ragifer. Piloted by a minuscule aged
chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that
he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling
at what may have been more vertigiuous velocity than patriotionalar predators,
he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted lasia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respected cognonen; Now Dasher, now
Dancer, et al. Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode,
through which structured could readily distinguish the concatenations of each
of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved, with utmost celerity in
animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels
which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor
I attributed largely to the planthora of assorted playthings which he bore
exorsally in commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of exgaging amiability. The
capillaries of his molar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the suboutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of albion’s floral embelem, the latter that of the prunus avium, or
sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and superalabials resembled nothing so much as
a common loop knot, and their amdent hirscule facial adornment appeared like
small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was smoking piece whose gray fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he
waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner
of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was as short,
neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical
perception of whom rendered me visible frolicsome despite every effort to
refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and
rotating his head slightly to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part
was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned
hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted
from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a singular
manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his
cranium forward in a gesture of leave taking, and forthwith effected his egress
by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in
a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through
his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:



3 Responses to “The Night Before Christmas – Educated Version”

  1. December 24, 2008 at 10:59 am

    This hurt my head.

  2. December 24, 2008 at 11:38 am

    haha! I thought it was hilarious.

  3. December 24, 2008 at 2:20 pm

    The first three sentences were hilarious before I gave up 😉

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